Reflex

 

i will never know how much i truly hurt you

but i know how much i wish i could

and could go back in time and erase my past mistakes

and change your lives for the better, but i can’t

 

when sorry starts sounding less like an apology and starts sounding more like a reflex 

 

goddamn these social constructs that keep us tethered

to our genders placed at birth

and the never-ending ever changing fear of ourselves

 

at least we’re not in hell

but we might as well be 

 

when sorry starts sounding less like an apology 

and starts sounding more like a reflex

 

at least we’re not in hell

 

 

My Omelas 

 

haven’t had the time 

to get rid of all this slime

that’s been dripping from 

my mouth, my ears, my eyes, my pores, and my nose

 

when you get rid of your trash 

and toss it in your neighbor’s yard

tell me who does that help in the end?

another community scarred 

 

so i’ll blade by the graves and the game saves

slip into the societal nether that’s been taken over by the new millennial wave

a history of repetition, rejection, disassociation with mental illness and feeling gay

it’s tough when you don’t know the rules so you can either take the bus or drive your shitty car to school

you’re ten feet away, and i can’t even ask if you’re doing okay 

 

we’re not as dirty as we think 

but we’re not as clean as you 

 

 

DNA Scam 

 

take my DNA

take my DNA and wrap it up okay

give it to my dad and make him a new kid again

 

happy birthday 

raise me in a cage 

and keep me from your rage

leave the walls untouched

away from your fists and your lungs

 

i forgive him 

 

cycles expand leaving the wounds you never had 

generational says that everyone in the world can pick at 

reinvent yourself before the person you were gets out of hand

do i have worth if i am unable to be exploitated as a brand?

 

if you’re having a bad relationship with yourself then you won’t have a good one with anyone else 

 

 

Human 

 

i just try to breath and believe that i’m just being naive

when i’m feeling down

i try to blend in, give a shit, but i’m just hyperaware 

of the corporate society

i dress to impress or perhaps it’s just to seem less 

seem less threatening

and wheres the community mentality behind all the fear and the skinned up knees, if you know what i mean 

 

because we’re our own abusers

but we are still humans first 

 

we’re our own abusers

but we are still humans first 

i know the mistakes that i made and i’m doing my best to change and stay away from the me that i hate 

 

please don’t let me drown please don’t let me

 

if we keep hurting each other we’ll never be safe 

save the hate for the systems that keep us asleep and keep themselves in power

we could get better by putting in effort to understand perspectives 

or we can keep rolling around in our pain but that won’t make us feel any better, because we’re still hating ourselves 

 

conditioned to rely on others to make us feel whole

positioned to repeat the failures of our forefathers  

 

the weight on my chest is familiar at best

and it’s just another test 

 

the universe is unforgiving and a dick

so we’ll do our best to live 

 

 

Vermont 

 

i wanna move to vermont, where i don’t know anyone

stick my head in the sand

and wait for the planet to explode or take me instead

 

we’ll i gotta say i’d rather be dead

excommunication with no relationship of command 

 

crawl in your hole and stay there

don’t you know that growth is bad behavior?

running back and forth without a savior

99% of life is uncomfortable 

but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel 

 

i wanna move to japan 

and maybe i’ll understand

what to do with my life 

or maybe i’ll stay in the pa on the edge of a knife

 

i wanna move to vermont 

 

 

Black Vans and Harsh Realities 

 

when did apologist become synonymous with someone who supports rehabilitation? 

we’re just too afraid of losing our reputation

we’re just afraid of our own social degradation 

and believe me it’s scary 

 

when did neutrality take the place of responsibility 

for fixing your broken stairs but instead you just get rid of them 

 

comparing our pain like pissing contests 

when in reality everyone’s experiences 

are unique and valid 

 

i don’t wanna hate and i don’t want revenge 

i just wanna help the people who haven’t started yet

 

‘cause if you do it yourself then you’ll do yourself in

where’s the community mentality behind all the fear

and the skinned up knees if you know what i mean 

‘cause if there’s no constructive dialogue then i don’t really care about it

 

we are the system and we are it’s victims

we are the system and we are it’s victims

we are the system and we are it’s victims

fuck all the systems i don’t think we’ll miss them 

 

 

Queer Recovery Club

 

toxic masculinity’s been killing’ me for far too long 

not an excuse but it’s been used to hurt the people that i love with the things that i’ve done wrong

 

if only my skin were thicker 

and if only my balls were bigger

and if only i wasn’t such a goddamn pussy 

then maybe i’d be doin’ better 

 

probably not 

 

you can take what’s in my pants, i don’t want it

you can take what’s in my head, i don’t want it 

 

is my body a temple? or is it a weapon? or is it a workshop? or is it a garden to grown in and fight through the weeds and the spider mites that keep me from flourishing? 

 

power, control, and manipulation are the basis of our gendered education

there’s a difference between having power over someone and feeling empowered and the former scares the shit out of me

 

emasculate me 

 

no matter the gender we have to remember, theres so much to unlearn 

no matter the gender you have to remember, theres so much to unlearn

and it’s not pretty 

 

bang bang bang, does a boy become a man? or is he just another cog in the man-made machine? 

 

 

Cyber Corrupt

 

cyber corrupt, dead out of luck again

cyber corrupt, waiting for zuck to pull the plug on us 

 

‘cause if you don’t reply in 30 seconds or less

then i’ll get worried that you’re dead or dying or just plain upset

because the world relies on an emotionless form of communication just a nation of misunderstanding each other’s words 

 

behind a screen is the only scene we’ll be a part of

false sense of security and a lack of open honesty

the things that you wish you could say

but you’re too afraid of the back lash and the like smashes on the feedback of the ones with social capital 

 

we’re the fascists we’re fighting 

 

cyber corrupt, hurry the fuck up and pull the plug 

 

 

Pwr Outage 

 

you fed us to the lions 

and you fought back so many tears 

we were “heroes” and now we are “martyrs”

on a path to either healing or death

 

why do we choose to glorify the craftsman as if they’re better than you?

why can’t we just appreciate what we enjoy without the clout and namedropping game? 

 

can you still have a fear of heights from the top of a pedestal?

or are you scared of the hands that put you there?

the disenfranchised kneel every time we go virtual 

when do we cross the line between advocacy and taking advantage of what we are good at?

charming, witty, friendly, down to earth 

 

and when the crown hits the ground you’ll reach out and grab it and place it on the head of another 

 

i can’t hear you

must be the anxiety blues 

 

 

Big Brother 

 

my big brother has a heart of stone

from being alone for long 

and though i cannot feel his pain 

i think of him every day 

 

take us back to our times of old 

when we were just laughing’ from cracking’ jokes and packing’ bowls all day

 

my little brother has a heart of fear

from struggling all through the years 

‘cause dad is gone and mom is holding’ on 

but i know that he’s strong 

‘cause he’s one of the ones who taught me how to love 

and has made me who i am 

 

so just shut up and come over and watch cartoons with me

‘cause i don’t think that i can take much more of this lack of simplicity

 

and whether we’ll meet again in this life or the next

i’ll be waiting for you with a blunt and a blank check 

 

 

Cleo (in lou of recent events)

 

second thin layered blankets

doin’ their best to pretend they’re your friends

empty bottles, buses, and a lack of rationality

waiting for your intake to end 

 

but it’s okay, little mango, you can sleep now 

you’ve been hogging life for nearly 25 years 

you died on a farm in the dead of march’s winter

that’s when i woke up, picked up the baggage and left

this is where i will begin

 

oh cleo, please don’t go

oh cleo, you’re the most radiant bean that i’ve had the privilege to know 

 

‘cause i came in with hope and i left with a smoking habit 

yeah i came in with hope and I left with a smoking habit 

i came in with hope and left with a smoking habit 

i came in with hope and I left with a smoking habit 

 

i came in with hope 

(i came in with hope)

i came in with hope

(and i still have that hope)

i came in with hope

(and i still have that hope)

yeah i still have that hope and i still have a smoking habit

 

oh cleo, please don’t go

i know that you’re laying’ in fields and your legs are working agin

and i hope you’re finally happy 

 

 

Allostatic Load 

 

waking up sweating and sobbing not knowing who i am

for a second or two

visited all through the night by the ghosts of my dead friends 

or at least dead to me

 

vulnerability, death to humanity

rollin’ around in the tears dripping’ down from the loved ones that i’ve hurt

 

and accountability, what does that really mean

when you have grown and you know all the things you did wrong 

we’ve gotta do better than putting’ in effort 

we’ve gotta unlearn all our faults

because hate is exhausting when we could be fostering

nurturing love for each other 

 

because we get hurt to help others

and we hurt others to get help

we fail better the more we heal

and we heal faster the more we fail

 

my skull and the side of the janitor’s door are becoming close friends lately

because if i lose a tooth does it count as abuse if the punches came from me

 

so i’ll do my best just to stay off of trestle 

it feels like there’s much more to be 

and if i’m an abuser, then i’m still a human first

or at least that’s what my higher self makes me believe

 

when sorry starts sounding less like an apology

and starts sounding more like a reflex 

 

then we’ve got a lot of work left to do.